Monty pythons quotes

“I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”


“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!”

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)


“Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?”



" Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)


"I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-" Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

“He's not pining, he's passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't have nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”


“Of course, it’s a bit of a jump, isn’t it? I mean, er… chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go… You don’t think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say via banking?”

“Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock, Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok”

Blackadder quotes

"Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
"No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
"Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the
placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

- Edmund & Baldrick

I fear the words "I have a cunning plan" are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence.

- EB, "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"

Farewell, Blackadder [hands him a parchment]. The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you; it's a map of the area that you'll be traversing. [Blackadder opens it up and sees it is blank] -They'll be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Bye-bye.

- Lord Melchett & EB

"Don't worry sir something will pop up."
"Not under Puritanism it won't."
- Baldrick and Blackadder

E: Ah! Good day, cousin McAdder. I trust you are well.
MA: Aye, well enough.
E: And Morag?
MA: She bides fine.
E: And how stands that mighty army, the clan McAdder?
MA: They're both well.

- EB & MacAdder catch up on things

from: http://homepage.eircom.net/%257Eodyssey/Quotes/Popular/TV/Blackadder.html

The Simpsons

"I put out these milk and cookies as a sacrifice. If Thou wishest me to eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. MMMMmmmm..." --Homer

"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson." - Bart

"God has no place within [school] walls just as facts have no place within organized religion!"

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Jesse Grass (Joshua Jackson): I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

Ambrose Bierce quotes

Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.

Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime

Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

favourite Douglas Adams quotes

In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.


Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own laws.

Plenty of people did not care for him much, but then there is a huge difference between disliking somebody -- maybe even disliking them a lot -- and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.